Can Caregiver Self-Care Be Selfish?

by | May 7, 2022

Is it Selfish for a Caregiver to Take a Break?

It depends.  If a caregiver is leaving an incapacitated loved one unattended or in an unsafe situation, the answer could be yes.   But this is (hopefully) rare.

Real-life situations?

I was speaking to a group about caregiving, and one lady lamented, “My mom is so sick with cancer, I feel guilty when I do anything enjoyable.”  Sad, but unfortunately many of us can relate to how she feels.

In “Remarkable Caregiving”, there is a story of a couple, Sandra and Ken. They took in Sandra’s dad, who had Parkinson’s, to live with them.  We read, “At times, when her husband could see Sandra reaching a breaking point, he would say, ‘I’m going to take care of Dad Friday night, and you go to a hotel’. “

Selfish or selfcare? You be the judge.

Guilt, exhaustion, and burnout often happen while caregiving. What can a caregiver do to address their own needs without being selfish?  We find ideas from HelpGuide*.

  • Maintain your personal relationships. Don’t let your friendships get lost in the shuffle of caregiving. These relationships will help sustain you and keep you positive. If it’s difficult to leave the house, invite friends over to visit with you over coffee, tea, or dinner.
  • Share your feelings. The simple act of expressing what you’re going through can be very cathartic. Sharing your feelings with family or friends won’t make you a burden to others. In fact, most people will be flattered that you trust them enough to confide in them, and it will only strengthen your bond.
  • Prioritize activities that bring you enjoyment. Make regular time for hobbies that bring you happiness, whether it’s reading, working in the garden, tinkering in your workshop, knitting, playing with the dogs, or watching the game.
  • Find ways to pamper yourself. Small luxuries can go a long way towards relieving stress and boosting your spirits. Light candles and take a long bath. Ask your spouse for a back rub. Get a manicure. Buy fresh flowers for the house. Whatever makes you feel special.
  • Make yourself laugh. Laughter is an excellent antidote to stress—and a little goes a long way. Read a funny book, watch a comedy, or call a friend who makes you laugh. And whenever you can, try to find the humor in everyday situations.
  • Get out of the house. Seek out friends, family, and respite care providers to step in with caregiving so you can have some time away from the home.

*For more ideas and information visit https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/caregiver-stress-and-burnout.htm. HelpGuide is a small independent nonprofit that runs one of the world’s top 10 mental health websites. Over 50 million people from all around the world turn to HelpGuide each year for trustworthy content they can use to improve their mental health and make healthy changes.

Find more caregiving resources and information on Nancy’s books, including “Remarkable Caregiving: The Care of Family and Friends” at  https://nancyrpoland.com/caregiver-resources/

Who Makes Better Caregivers – Women or Men?

by | Jun 20, 2021

Celebrating Male Caregivers on Father's Day

Which gender makes better caregivers?

It depends!

Caregiving is as individual as people.  We all know both women and men who are wonderful, loving caregivers, and then there are people who are unable or unwilling to be a caregiver for a variety of reasons.

Professionally speaking if a loved one or I were in the hospital, I would prefer to have an aide or nurse who is competent and generally cares about my loved one or me, regardless of their gender.

Traditionally, it is true that women often end up being the primary caretaker of children, aging  parents, or other loved ones. But many men also take on a caregiving role and today is a good day to celebrate men who give from their hearts to others. How many?

According to AARP®, there were sixteen million family caregivers in 2017, and 40 percent were male.[i]

I worked with a gentleman I will call “Henry” who took excellent care of his uncle, as his closest living relative. Henry made sure his uncle had necessities such as food, kept him company, and handled his property when his uncle passed.

I have witnessed wonderful male caregiving in my own family:

  • When I have had surgery or been ill, my husband John consistently goes over and above to meet my needs.
  • My husband was a single dad before I met him to his son Lee, who is my much-loved stepson. John coordinated childcare while he worked full time, made sure Lee was fed, clothed, and kept busy and out of mischief.  When our youngest son Corey was born two months prematurely, John took turns feeding him every three hours and rocking him to sleep. He coached both boys in sports, and was the person designated to take them to the doctor when they needed stiches or shots! Wishing my hubby a happy Father’s Day today!
  • Even though my dad was aging himself, and suffered from dementia, he took care of my mom, who had a number of physical limitations. I wrote in “Dancing With Lewy”, “My mother took care of my dad and herself mentally, sorting their medications and making easy lunches and dinners. My dad took care of her physically, making their toast in the morning when mom was sleepy and doing simple household tasks.”
  • My Dad never stopped worrying about his four daughters. When he was in his eighties, and I would travel for work, he would advise me to keep alert and lock my hotel room doors.  Missing my dad on this Father’s Day.

In “Remarkable Caregiving: The Love of Family and Friends”, you can read the true story of two friends, Phil and Wally.  For many years, the two snowmobiled together and enjoyed other outdoor spots.  Sadly, Wally developed Parkinson’s disease in his fifties. Phil could have looked the other way, but instead he became the “Relief Pitcher” for Wally and his family. This touching story spotlights a male bond lasting through the good times, and the toughest times. The sketch was created to represent Phil and Wally.

In the interview I asked Phil, “Do you see any differences in how you as a man experience caregiving versus how you see women doing so? How do you think caregiving is different from a man’s point of view?”

Phil replied, “I do not want to sound sexist…”  You will have to read the book to see what words of wisdom Phil shared with us.

 I found an inspirting male caregiving group at the First African Baptist Church in Philadelphia. The leader advises, “Pain is Pain”, and asked the group to consider “What gives life purpose and meaning?” and “Caregiving is a privileged opportunity”.  Click below to watch the video.

Male Caregiving Group

Yes, there are cultural and physical differences between men and women, which can certainly vary by family, location and background.  Everyone is different, but “different” does not have to mean “better”, or “worse”.

Caring for others does not have limitations, other than a willing heart.

On this Father’s Day celebrate the many men who care for others, not only out of necessity or duty, but out of love and compassion for others.

You can read about other male caregiving experiences in both “Dancing With Lewy: a Father Daughter Dance Before and After Lewy Body Dementia Came to Live With Us” and “Remarkable Caregiving: The Love of Family and Friends”. There is more informaton on how to obtain the books on Nancy’s Website.

[i] Jean Accius, PhD, Spotlight 26, March 2017 Breaking Stereotypes: Spotlight on Male Family Caregivers, AARP Public Policy Institute

Photo by Streetwindy from Pexels

Sketch by Nancy Muellner, nancymuellner.com

A Mom is a Mom is a Mom – Or is She?

by | May 8, 2021

Stories of Amazing Moms

I have been all sorts of a mom.  A stepmother, a birth mother, a mother-in-law, a foster mother. I have helped care for children that belong to another mom, because no kid can have too many people to love them.  But I have never been the kind of mom written about in “Remarkable Caregiving, the Care of Family and Friends.”

In “Remarkable Caregiving”, my next book, you can find six stories of remarkable caregivers, whose stories will inspire and teach you.  Two of the stories highlight moms of kids with unique challenges. Buddy was born with a variety of disabilities. His mom Carol went to extraordinary lengths to care for Buddy, finding unique ways to address his many physical, learning, and emotional needs.  She challenged the legal system, the schools, and the medical community to provide the best care for her amazing son.  Carol and her husband also found ways to treat their daughter as special and unique.

You will also meet Diana, another mom, who poured her heart into her son with Down syndrome.  You will meet her son Tyler, who grew to adulthood, presenting new questions about his future.  Diana not only poured herself into raising her son, but she and her husband found the meaning of suffering by involving others in the Down syndrome community.

“Remarkable Caregiving” will be available from https://nancyrpoland.com in June 2021. It will be released to the public in November 2021.  If you are interested in hearing more about “Remarkable Caregiving” at [email protected].

Enjoy this poem with from “Dancing With Lewy: A Father Daughter Dance Before and After Lewy Body Dementia Came to Live With Us.”

Oh, mother dear, the years have passed,

And so gray has grown your hair.

Seems like yesterday, I was just a child,

And you so young and fair.

Time goes so fast, and now I’m grown,

And lines caress your face.

The years have surely swept us on,

So swift has been the race.

You dressed me in such pretty things,

And set curls in my hair.

But now you’ve grown older,

And it’s my turn to show I care.

It seems so clumsy and hard at times,

To pay you all I owe.

Please forgive me, mother dear,

If how, I do not know.

Our blessed heavenly Father

has prepared a reward for you.

He has given your grandchildren

a mother who will do

The same pleasant and joyful things for them,

As a gift from us to you.

 Written by Lee Eggerud

If you are a mom, if you have or had a mom or grandma who meant a lot to you, or a substitute mom, celebrate moms with me this mother’s day.

 Next month we will celebrate dads!

One Set of Paperwork Can be Your Superpower

by | Apr 19, 2021

We have been Reminded of Sad Life Lessons During the Pandemic

  • Life can change in a single day.
  • Sickness does not just happen to the elderly.
  • A person can be hospitalized suddenly and unexpectedly.

I have further been reminded of the fragility of life in the last couple of months.

  • I have had one family member in his forties who has been in the hospital for an extended time.
  • Another family member in his forties tragically died unexpectedly from a suspected heart attack.
  • I have watched part of the trial of Derek Chauvin who killed George Floyd, a man in his forties who woke up in the morning and had no idea he would leave this life that day last May.

Life is precious, and we need to cherish each day with our loved ones.

This is not specifically about men in their forties, but it is a life lesson about expecting the best and preparing for the worst. This is about completing advanced care directives telling our loved ones what to do should we become ill or incapacitated.  And yes, it can happen to any of us.

The Centers for Disease Control (“CDC”) reported only 7 percent of older adults polled said the COVID-19 virus spurred them to have conversations with their loved ones about their preferences should they become ill or incapacitated. Only 1 percent of those surveyed said concerns over COVID-19 had motivated them to take action and complete or update advance care planning documents.   AARP and the CDC were surprised at these poll results.*

Yes, these documents need to be in place for your elderly family members. But they should also be in place for you. It seems that most people don’t give this a thought.

What are the key healthcare documents everyone over 18 can – and should – complete?

Living Will or Advanced Directive – a legally binding document that informs your doctors about your preferences for medical care at the end of life.   When do you want medical measures to be taken to extend your life?  To what extreme should the medical community treat you?

Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare – This could be part of the Living Will/Advance Directive; it lets you appoint someone (plus a backup) to make medical choices on your behalf when you are unable to do so.  Who do you want to decide for you at those critical points in time?  Without this directive, the medical team is left without a decision maker, and the results could be disastrous for you and your family.  Disasters such as:

  • Family disagreements over your future quality of life
  • Ambiguity about your personal wishes and beliefs about life and death
  • Prolonged or artificial life when that would not be your desire

You can consult an attorney for more information, but you can also find these documents online. They need to be notarized, or depending on your state requirements, may be witnessed by two individuals.

In my upcoming book, “Remarkable Caregiving: The Care of Family and Friends”, the first story is about the unfortunate results of a family not having the proper legal document in place.  “Remarkable Caregiving” will be available from  nancyrpoland.com this summer and will be released to the public in November 2021.

Your superpower can be expressing your wishes about your life and death, even when you can’t speak.  Take the steps now and complete your advanced care directive.

*Bruce Horovitz, AARP, April 6, 2021 – https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2021/poll-many-have-no-advance-directives.html