Six Remarkable Caregivers

by | Apr 10, 2022

Stories of Six Remarkable Caregivers

 

Remarkable Caregivers? Not one of these six people planned on taking a chunk of their lives to focus on caring for the extreme needs of another person.  Whether it be the surprise of a baby born with challenges, including Vater syndrome or Down syndrome, or the unexpected court date where a daughter had to give up guardianship of her mom, not one of these six could predict the resilience and ingenuity they would find within themselves.

In Remarkable Caregiving: The Care of Family and Friends you will find surprises, like these:

  1. Why Cynthia had to kidnap her mom in a harrowing airplane ride.
  2. Carol, an extraordinary mom, who gave a humorous answer to the question, “Why does your son Buddy have a string in his nose?”
  3. How Sandra and Ken used the two Ws to keep Sandra’s Dad going into his 90s: Walking and Water. Over and over.
  4. Speaking of walking, how Phil “walked the walk and talked the talk” while serving as the “relief pitcher” for his good friend Wally who had Parkinson’s disease.
  5. Jean got the bad news at work: her mom’s accident left her with six brain contusions, a ruptured spleen, and six broken ribs. Jean did everything from cleaning the hospital rooms to sneaking in phone calls at work to the doctors.
  6. Diana and Greg struggled over what to do with their adult son with Down syndrome. They were the first ones in their home state to find this new – and workable – solution.

Here are six reasons I am excited about Remarkable Caregiving:

  1. Features stories of six ordinary people thrust into the role of caregiving.
  2. Demonstrates stories of caregiver resilience and ingenuity.
  3. A teaching tool for groups to learn why it pays to be prepared for future caregiving situations.
  4. For caregivers who feel alone and frightened, there is hope.
  5. Help and advice for caregivers experiencing stress and loss.
  6. With all the bad news in the world, Remarkable Caregiving celebrates people who truly live out their values.

Public release of Remarkable Caregiving –  November 2nd, 2021.   You can order Remarkable Caregiving on Amazon and other websites that sell books, or from https://nancyrpoland.com. 

You won’t want to miss out on these inspiring stories!

Nancy Poland

Who Makes Better Caregivers – Women or Men?

by | Jun 20, 2021

Celebrating Male Caregivers on Father's Day

Which gender makes better caregivers?

It depends!

Caregiving is as individual as people.  We all know both women and men who are wonderful, loving caregivers, and then there are people who are unable or unwilling to be a caregiver for a variety of reasons.

Professionally speaking if a loved one or I were in the hospital, I would prefer to have an aide or nurse who is competent and generally cares about my loved one or me, regardless of their gender.

Traditionally, it is true that women often end up being the primary caretaker of children, aging  parents, or other loved ones. But many men also take on a caregiving role and today is a good day to celebrate men who give from their hearts to others. How many?

According to AARP®, there were sixteen million family caregivers in 2017, and 40 percent were male.[i]

I worked with a gentleman I will call “Henry” who took excellent care of his uncle, as his closest living relative. Henry made sure his uncle had necessities such as food, kept him company, and handled his property when his uncle passed.

I have witnessed wonderful male caregiving in my own family:

  • When I have had surgery or been ill, my husband John consistently goes over and above to meet my needs.
  • My husband was a single dad before I met him to his son Lee, who is my much-loved stepson. John coordinated childcare while he worked full time, made sure Lee was fed, clothed, and kept busy and out of mischief.  When our youngest son Corey was born two months prematurely, John took turns feeding him every three hours and rocking him to sleep. He coached both boys in sports, and was the person designated to take them to the doctor when they needed stiches or shots! Wishing my hubby a happy Father’s Day today!
  • Even though my dad was aging himself, and suffered from dementia, he took care of my mom, who had a number of physical limitations. I wrote in “Dancing With Lewy”, “My mother took care of my dad and herself mentally, sorting their medications and making easy lunches and dinners. My dad took care of her physically, making their toast in the morning when mom was sleepy and doing simple household tasks.”
  • My Dad never stopped worrying about his four daughters. When he was in his eighties, and I would travel for work, he would advise me to keep alert and lock my hotel room doors.  Missing my dad on this Father’s Day.

In “Remarkable Caregiving: The Love of Family and Friends”, you can read the true story of two friends, Phil and Wally.  For many years, the two snowmobiled together and enjoyed other outdoor spots.  Sadly, Wally developed Parkinson’s disease in his fifties. Phil could have looked the other way, but instead he became the “Relief Pitcher” for Wally and his family. This touching story spotlights a male bond lasting through the good times, and the toughest times. The sketch was created to represent Phil and Wally.

In the interview I asked Phil, “Do you see any differences in how you as a man experience caregiving versus how you see women doing so? How do you think caregiving is different from a man’s point of view?”

Phil replied, “I do not want to sound sexist…”  You will have to read the book to see what words of wisdom Phil shared with us.

 I found an inspirting male caregiving group at the First African Baptist Church in Philadelphia. The leader advises, “Pain is Pain”, and asked the group to consider “What gives life purpose and meaning?” and “Caregiving is a privileged opportunity”.  Click below to watch the video.

Male Caregiving Group

Yes, there are cultural and physical differences between men and women, which can certainly vary by family, location and background.  Everyone is different, but “different” does not have to mean “better”, or “worse”.

Caring for others does not have limitations, other than a willing heart.

On this Father’s Day celebrate the many men who care for others, not only out of necessity or duty, but out of love and compassion for others.

You can read about other male caregiving experiences in both “Dancing With Lewy: a Father Daughter Dance Before and After Lewy Body Dementia Came to Live With Us” and “Remarkable Caregiving: The Love of Family and Friends”. There is more informaton on how to obtain the books on Nancy’s Website.

[i] Jean Accius, PhD, Spotlight 26, March 2017 Breaking Stereotypes: Spotlight on Male Family Caregivers, AARP Public Policy Institute

Photo by Streetwindy from Pexels

Sketch by Nancy Muellner, nancymuellner.com

A Mom is a Mom is a Mom – Or is She?

by | May 8, 2021

Stories of Amazing Moms

I have been all sorts of a mom.  A stepmother, a birth mother, a mother-in-law, a foster mother. I have helped care for children that belong to another mom, because no kid can have too many people to love them.  But I have never been the kind of mom written about in “Remarkable Caregiving, the Care of Family and Friends.”

In “Remarkable Caregiving”, my next book, you can find six stories of remarkable caregivers, whose stories will inspire and teach you.  Two of the stories highlight moms of kids with unique challenges. Buddy was born with a variety of disabilities. His mom Carol went to extraordinary lengths to care for Buddy, finding unique ways to address his many physical, learning, and emotional needs.  She challenged the legal system, the schools, and the medical community to provide the best care for her amazing son.  Carol and her husband also found ways to treat their daughter as special and unique.

You will also meet Diana, another mom, who poured her heart into her son with Down syndrome.  You will meet her son Tyler, who grew to adulthood, presenting new questions about his future.  Diana not only poured herself into raising her son, but she and her husband found the meaning of suffering by involving others in the Down syndrome community.

“Remarkable Caregiving” will be available from https://nancyrpoland.com in June 2021. It will be released to the public in November 2021.  If you are interested in hearing more about “Remarkable Caregiving” at [email protected].

Enjoy this poem with from “Dancing With Lewy: A Father Daughter Dance Before and After Lewy Body Dementia Came to Live With Us.”

Oh, mother dear, the years have passed,

And so gray has grown your hair.

Seems like yesterday, I was just a child,

And you so young and fair.

Time goes so fast, and now I’m grown,

And lines caress your face.

The years have surely swept us on,

So swift has been the race.

You dressed me in such pretty things,

And set curls in my hair.

But now you’ve grown older,

And it’s my turn to show I care.

It seems so clumsy and hard at times,

To pay you all I owe.

Please forgive me, mother dear,

If how, I do not know.

Our blessed heavenly Father

has prepared a reward for you.

He has given your grandchildren

a mother who will do

The same pleasant and joyful things for them,

As a gift from us to you.

 Written by Lee Eggerud

If you are a mom, if you have or had a mom or grandma who meant a lot to you, or a substitute mom, celebrate moms with me this mother’s day.

 Next month we will celebrate dads!

One Set of Paperwork Can be Your Superpower

by | Apr 19, 2021

We have been Reminded of Sad Life Lessons During the Pandemic

  • Life can change in a single day.
  • Sickness does not just happen to the elderly.
  • A person can be hospitalized suddenly and unexpectedly.

I have further been reminded of the fragility of life in the last couple of months.

  • I have had one family member in his forties who has been in the hospital for an extended time.
  • Another family member in his forties tragically died unexpectedly from a suspected heart attack.
  • I have watched part of the trial of Derek Chauvin who killed George Floyd, a man in his forties who woke up in the morning and had no idea he would leave this life that day last May.

Life is precious, and we need to cherish each day with our loved ones.

This is not specifically about men in their forties, but it is a life lesson about expecting the best and preparing for the worst. This is about completing advanced care directives telling our loved ones what to do should we become ill or incapacitated.  And yes, it can happen to any of us.

The Centers for Disease Control (“CDC”) reported only 7 percent of older adults polled said the COVID-19 virus spurred them to have conversations with their loved ones about their preferences should they become ill or incapacitated. Only 1 percent of those surveyed said concerns over COVID-19 had motivated them to take action and complete or update advance care planning documents.   AARP and the CDC were surprised at these poll results.*

Yes, these documents need to be in place for your elderly family members. But they should also be in place for you. It seems that most people don’t give this a thought.

What are the key healthcare documents everyone over 18 can – and should – complete?

Living Will or Advanced Directive – a legally binding document that informs your doctors about your preferences for medical care at the end of life.   When do you want medical measures to be taken to extend your life?  To what extreme should the medical community treat you?

Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare – This could be part of the Living Will/Advance Directive; it lets you appoint someone (plus a backup) to make medical choices on your behalf when you are unable to do so.  Who do you want to decide for you at those critical points in time?  Without this directive, the medical team is left without a decision maker, and the results could be disastrous for you and your family.  Disasters such as:

  • Family disagreements over your future quality of life
  • Ambiguity about your personal wishes and beliefs about life and death
  • Prolonged or artificial life when that would not be your desire

You can consult an attorney for more information, but you can also find these documents online. They need to be notarized, or depending on your state requirements, may be witnessed by two individuals.

In my upcoming book, “Remarkable Caregiving: The Care of Family and Friends”, the first story is about the unfortunate results of a family not having the proper legal document in place.  “Remarkable Caregiving” will be available from  nancyrpoland.com this summer and will be released to the public in November 2021.

Your superpower can be expressing your wishes about your life and death, even when you can’t speak.  Take the steps now and complete your advanced care directive.

*Bruce Horovitz, AARP, April 6, 2021 – https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2021/poll-many-have-no-advance-directives.html

No Immunity – to the High Cost of Caregiving

by | Sep 19, 2020

The Cost of Caregiving

Young people – Will you be responsible to take care of a parent or other loved one someday?  If so, this is for you.

Older folks – Have you set the course, so your family will not need to leave the workplace or spend their own family resources taking care of you?  You also need to pay attention.

When was the last time your family sat down to discuss what the future may hold? 

My advice: Prepare for the worst and hope and pray for the best.

In an article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Carla Fried (rate.com) wrote, “Millions of Women – yes, it’s mostly women – end up in midlife weighing a temporary work exit to care for ailing parents.  The economic cost can be devasting.”

This of course can apply to men also, as they could be the primary caregiver juggling a job, family, and ageing parent.  Or it could apply to one’s spouse, partner, or to a single person, affecting the household finances.  No one is immune.  Us Baby Boomers are getting old fast!

We need to plan ahead for caregiving.  Here are a few steps you can take before a crisis (some are mentioned in Ms. Freid’s article):

  • Ensure your loved ones have the proper legal paperwork completed,  and review it periodically. An elder-care attorney costs money, however the legal advice could can save money and heartache in the future.
  • Try not to take your own social security too early. There is a higher guaranteed payout if you wait until your full retirement age, and there is an even greater payout at age 70.
  • Think about your parent’s future living situation. Do you have the space to transform a dwelling unit for your loved one as they age?  It will simplify your life to walk across the yard to make meals or sort the medications for your loved one, vs. driving across town.

If you are in the midst of decision-making about a loved one, consider:

  • If one sibling has to quit work to care for a parent, the other siblings could  pay the caregiver, or even contribute to an IRA to replace their lost retirement benefits.
  • Reduce your hours at work, vs. quitting all together.
  • Plan to pay for a caregiver for your loved one. That is not cheap but may be a viable alternative.
  • Explore available benefits,e.g. Social Security Disabilty (if the loved one is under 65), Veteran’s benefits, Medicare Supplemental Plans, Medicaid or community resources.

The bottom line is communication; understand the financial and legal situation, and plan ahead. Yes, these conversations may be difficult now, but there are alot worse alternatives. 

As they say, “Denial is not a river in Egypt.”

 

 

“Dancing with Lewy” Available for Purchase

by | Jun 28, 2020

How to Buy a Copy

When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was “a writer”.  My dream has come true!  In July 2020 I will have copies of “Dancing with Lewy”.  While it will be released to bookstores and Amazon in early 2021, I am allowed copies for personal distribution.  I will have a limited supply, so order yours today.

How to obtain your copy of “Dancing with Lewy”?

  • Purchase it at my website, www.nancyrpoland.com. The book will be shipped to you.
  • If you are near me and can pick up the book or arrange to meet, you can save the shipping costs. Please order through my website so I can track the tax. To make arrangements contact me by phone or email [email protected].
  • If you prefer an e-book or audio book, they will be available at the end of 2020 off Amazon.

Presentations

If your community group, church, book club, or other organization would like to hear about our story, I can meet with your virtually. (Hopefully when COVID-19 has run its course I will be able to visit in person, as travel permits.)

Thank you for sharing in our story.  My hope is “Dancing with Lewy” will speak to your heart and give hope to caregivers, past, present and future.