Six Remarkable Caregivers

by | Apr 10, 2022

Stories of Six Remarkable Caregivers

 

Remarkable Caregivers? Not one of these six people planned on taking a chunk of their lives to focus on caring for the extreme needs of another person.  Whether it be the surprise of a baby born with challenges, including Vater syndrome or Down syndrome, or the unexpected court date where a daughter had to give up guardianship of her mom, not one of these six could predict the resilience and ingenuity they would find within themselves.

In Remarkable Caregiving: The Care of Family and Friends you will find surprises, like these:

  1. Why Cynthia had to kidnap her mom in a harrowing airplane ride.
  2. Carol, an extraordinary mom, who gave a humorous answer to the question, “Why does your son Buddy have a string in his nose?”
  3. How Sandra and Ken used the two Ws to keep Sandra’s Dad going into his 90s: Walking and Water. Over and over.
  4. Speaking of walking, how Phil “walked the walk and talked the talk” while serving as the “relief pitcher” for his good friend Wally who had Parkinson’s disease.
  5. Jean got the bad news at work: her mom’s accident left her with six brain contusions, a ruptured spleen, and six broken ribs. Jean did everything from cleaning the hospital rooms to sneaking in phone calls at work to the doctors.
  6. Diana and Greg struggled over what to do with their adult son with Down syndrome. They were the first ones in their home state to find this new – and workable – solution.

Here are six reasons I am excited about Remarkable Caregiving:

  1. Features stories of six ordinary people thrust into the role of caregiving.
  2. Demonstrates stories of caregiver resilience and ingenuity.
  3. A teaching tool for groups to learn why it pays to be prepared for future caregiving situations.
  4. For caregivers who feel alone and frightened, there is hope.
  5. Help and advice for caregivers experiencing stress and loss.
  6. With all the bad news in the world, Remarkable Caregiving celebrates people who truly live out their values.

Public release of Remarkable Caregiving –  November 2nd, 2021.   You can order Remarkable Caregiving on Amazon and other websites that sell books, or from https://nancyrpoland.com. 

You won’t want to miss out on these inspiring stories!

Nancy Poland

This Report Broke My Heart

by | Jul 21, 2021

Alarming CDC Study

I recently read an article that broke my heart.  It began:

“Parents who are also caregivers struggle with suicidal ideation, new Centers for Disease Control (CDC)  study shows.” It was written by Kara Baskin, Boston Globe Correspondent, Updated July 2, 2021, 8:00 a.m.

(Definition of “suicidal ideation” – when you think about killing yourself; the thoughts might or might not include a plan to die by suicide. WebMD)

Ms. Baskin’s by-line said, “We need to be more open about the stress of caring for aging parents, because our mental health depends on it.”

The CDC study found that parents-caregivers (people taking care of both kids and aging adults) had significantly worse mental health than adults not in these roles. Among parents-caregivers surveyed, approximately 50 percent reported serious suicidal ideation in the past month.

In addition, the CDC reported people with caregiving responsibilities for children and adults had eight times the odds of serious suicidal ideation compared with non-parents/non-caregivers.

Yes, friends, it can be that hard.  People are stressed out by caregiving for adult parents raising kids, working, and balancing our modern, busy lives. I know, I have been there (although fortunately I did not consider suicide as an option.)

Ms. Baskin’s article presented various ideas on how caregivers, especially for ageing parents, can cope. Ideas include learning to identify yourself as a caregiver, hiring help, not berating yourself if you feel clueless. You can read more details  here:  CDC Study

Nancy, Can You Help? 

I recently received a call from a couple I know well, “Richie” and “Alecia” (not their real names).  In their 40s, they are trying to figure out what to do about Alecia’s dad, who is aging, falling more, but wants to stay in his home. Did I have any ideas?

Fortunately, he is a veteran, and they can tap into veteran resources. I recommend Alecia go to a workup at the VA with him, where they will assess his physical, mental, and emotional well-being.  I also suggested they look into resources for homecare to help him fulfill his goal of being able to age well at home.  An easy idea they can implement is to obtain adaptive equipment for his home, such as grab bars in the bathtub (which has become a particular hazard for him), and a raised toilet seat.

My hope is they took a deep breath after the call, knowing they are not alone.

This is why I research and issue information for caregivers – even for those who may not yet identify as caregivers. I want to help others navigate their caregiving roles, and have a better experience with their loved ones.  Please help me educate  others by:

  • Recommending a free subscription to our monthly newsletter, “Caring for the Caregiver.”
  • Reading and sharing “Dancing With Lewy” and “Remarkable Caregiver”; both contain practical advice for navigating the caregiving role.
  • Following these blogs.
  • Researching and being ready to help others find caregiving resources; a good place to start is at https://nancyrpoland.com/caregiver-resources/.

And if you as a caregiver struggle with “suicidal ideation”, please, please, please reach out for help today.  The national suicide hotline is 800-273-8255; help is available today.

 

“Dancing With Lewy” is available wherever books are sold on-line.  Both books can be ordered from https://nancyrpoland.com.

“Remarkable Caregiving” will be released to the public November 3, 2021. 

Who Makes Better Caregivers – Women or Men?

by | Jun 20, 2021

Celebrating Male Caregivers on Father's Day

Which gender makes better caregivers?

It depends!

Caregiving is as individual as people.  We all know both women and men who are wonderful, loving caregivers, and then there are people who are unable or unwilling to be a caregiver for a variety of reasons.

Professionally speaking if a loved one or I were in the hospital, I would prefer to have an aide or nurse who is competent and generally cares about my loved one or me, regardless of their gender.

Traditionally, it is true that women often end up being the primary caretaker of children, aging  parents, or other loved ones. But many men also take on a caregiving role and today is a good day to celebrate men who give from their hearts to others. How many?

According to AARP®, there were sixteen million family caregivers in 2017, and 40 percent were male.[i]

I worked with a gentleman I will call “Henry” who took excellent care of his uncle, as his closest living relative. Henry made sure his uncle had necessities such as food, kept him company, and handled his property when his uncle passed.

I have witnessed wonderful male caregiving in my own family:

  • When I have had surgery or been ill, my husband John consistently goes over and above to meet my needs.
  • My husband was a single dad before I met him to his son Lee, who is my much-loved stepson. John coordinated childcare while he worked full time, made sure Lee was fed, clothed, and kept busy and out of mischief.  When our youngest son Corey was born two months prematurely, John took turns feeding him every three hours and rocking him to sleep. He coached both boys in sports, and was the person designated to take them to the doctor when they needed stiches or shots! Wishing my hubby a happy Father’s Day today!
  • Even though my dad was aging himself, and suffered from dementia, he took care of my mom, who had a number of physical limitations. I wrote in “Dancing With Lewy”, “My mother took care of my dad and herself mentally, sorting their medications and making easy lunches and dinners. My dad took care of her physically, making their toast in the morning when mom was sleepy and doing simple household tasks.”
  • My Dad never stopped worrying about his four daughters. When he was in his eighties, and I would travel for work, he would advise me to keep alert and lock my hotel room doors.  Missing my dad on this Father’s Day.

In “Remarkable Caregiving: The Love of Family and Friends”, you can read the true story of two friends, Phil and Wally.  For many years, the two snowmobiled together and enjoyed other outdoor spots.  Sadly, Wally developed Parkinson’s disease in his fifties. Phil could have looked the other way, but instead he became the “Relief Pitcher” for Wally and his family. This touching story spotlights a male bond lasting through the good times, and the toughest times. The sketch was created to represent Phil and Wally.

In the interview I asked Phil, “Do you see any differences in how you as a man experience caregiving versus how you see women doing so? How do you think caregiving is different from a man’s point of view?”

Phil replied, “I do not want to sound sexist…”  You will have to read the book to see what words of wisdom Phil shared with us.

 I found an inspirting male caregiving group at the First African Baptist Church in Philadelphia. The leader advises, “Pain is Pain”, and asked the group to consider “What gives life purpose and meaning?” and “Caregiving is a privileged opportunity”.  Click below to watch the video.

Male Caregiving Group

Yes, there are cultural and physical differences between men and women, which can certainly vary by family, location and background.  Everyone is different, but “different” does not have to mean “better”, or “worse”.

Caring for others does not have limitations, other than a willing heart.

On this Father’s Day celebrate the many men who care for others, not only out of necessity or duty, but out of love and compassion for others.

You can read about other male caregiving experiences in both “Dancing With Lewy: a Father Daughter Dance Before and After Lewy Body Dementia Came to Live With Us” and “Remarkable Caregiving: The Love of Family and Friends”. There is more informaton on how to obtain the books on Nancy’s Website.

[i] Jean Accius, PhD, Spotlight 26, March 2017 Breaking Stereotypes: Spotlight on Male Family Caregivers, AARP Public Policy Institute

Photo by Streetwindy from Pexels

Sketch by Nancy Muellner, nancymuellner.com

A Mom is a Mom is a Mom – Or is She?

by | May 8, 2021

Stories of Amazing Moms

I have been all sorts of a mom.  A stepmother, a birth mother, a mother-in-law, a foster mother. I have helped care for children that belong to another mom, because no kid can have too many people to love them.  But I have never been the kind of mom written about in “Remarkable Caregiving, the Care of Family and Friends.”

In “Remarkable Caregiving”, my next book, you can find six stories of remarkable caregivers, whose stories will inspire and teach you.  Two of the stories highlight moms of kids with unique challenges. Buddy was born with a variety of disabilities. His mom Carol went to extraordinary lengths to care for Buddy, finding unique ways to address his many physical, learning, and emotional needs.  She challenged the legal system, the schools, and the medical community to provide the best care for her amazing son.  Carol and her husband also found ways to treat their daughter as special and unique.

You will also meet Diana, another mom, who poured her heart into her son with Down syndrome.  You will meet her son Tyler, who grew to adulthood, presenting new questions about his future.  Diana not only poured herself into raising her son, but she and her husband found the meaning of suffering by involving others in the Down syndrome community.

“Remarkable Caregiving” will be available from https://nancyrpoland.com in June 2021. It will be released to the public in November 2021.  If you are interested in hearing more about “Remarkable Caregiving” at [email protected].

Enjoy this poem with from “Dancing With Lewy: A Father Daughter Dance Before and After Lewy Body Dementia Came to Live With Us.”

Oh, mother dear, the years have passed,

And so gray has grown your hair.

Seems like yesterday, I was just a child,

And you so young and fair.

Time goes so fast, and now I’m grown,

And lines caress your face.

The years have surely swept us on,

So swift has been the race.

You dressed me in such pretty things,

And set curls in my hair.

But now you’ve grown older,

And it’s my turn to show I care.

It seems so clumsy and hard at times,

To pay you all I owe.

Please forgive me, mother dear,

If how, I do not know.

Our blessed heavenly Father

has prepared a reward for you.

He has given your grandchildren

a mother who will do

The same pleasant and joyful things for them,

As a gift from us to you.

 Written by Lee Eggerud

If you are a mom, if you have or had a mom or grandma who meant a lot to you, or a substitute mom, celebrate moms with me this mother’s day.

 Next month we will celebrate dads!

One Set of Paperwork Can be Your Superpower

by | Apr 19, 2021

We have been Reminded of Sad Life Lessons During the Pandemic

  • Life can change in a single day.
  • Sickness does not just happen to the elderly.
  • A person can be hospitalized suddenly and unexpectedly.

I have further been reminded of the fragility of life in the last couple of months.

  • I have had one family member in his forties who has been in the hospital for an extended time.
  • Another family member in his forties tragically died unexpectedly from a suspected heart attack.
  • I have watched part of the trial of Derek Chauvin who killed George Floyd, a man in his forties who woke up in the morning and had no idea he would leave this life that day last May.

Life is precious, and we need to cherish each day with our loved ones.

This is not specifically about men in their forties, but it is a life lesson about expecting the best and preparing for the worst. This is about completing advanced care directives telling our loved ones what to do should we become ill or incapacitated.  And yes, it can happen to any of us.

The Centers for Disease Control (“CDC”) reported only 7 percent of older adults polled said the COVID-19 virus spurred them to have conversations with their loved ones about their preferences should they become ill or incapacitated. Only 1 percent of those surveyed said concerns over COVID-19 had motivated them to take action and complete or update advance care planning documents.   AARP and the CDC were surprised at these poll results.*

Yes, these documents need to be in place for your elderly family members. But they should also be in place for you. It seems that most people don’t give this a thought.

What are the key healthcare documents everyone over 18 can – and should – complete?

Living Will or Advanced Directive – a legally binding document that informs your doctors about your preferences for medical care at the end of life.   When do you want medical measures to be taken to extend your life?  To what extreme should the medical community treat you?

Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare – This could be part of the Living Will/Advance Directive; it lets you appoint someone (plus a backup) to make medical choices on your behalf when you are unable to do so.  Who do you want to decide for you at those critical points in time?  Without this directive, the medical team is left without a decision maker, and the results could be disastrous for you and your family.  Disasters such as:

  • Family disagreements over your future quality of life
  • Ambiguity about your personal wishes and beliefs about life and death
  • Prolonged or artificial life when that would not be your desire

You can consult an attorney for more information, but you can also find these documents online. They need to be notarized, or depending on your state requirements, may be witnessed by two individuals.

In my upcoming book, “Remarkable Caregiving: The Care of Family and Friends”, the first story is about the unfortunate results of a family not having the proper legal document in place.  “Remarkable Caregiving” will be available from  nancyrpoland.com this summer and will be released to the public in November 2021.

Your superpower can be expressing your wishes about your life and death, even when you can’t speak.  Take the steps now and complete your advanced care directive.

*Bruce Horovitz, AARP, April 6, 2021 – https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2021/poll-many-have-no-advance-directives.html